love – Bad Writer

“Speak.”

I wrote until letters became sounds, crumbling beneath the feet and buried in the ground, desired by the likes of me, I never found. I spoke, I wrote, I write, I tried desperately to fight, the agonizing urge to bury everything I thought I earned in silence. I tried, I tried, at least that’s what I tell myself. Knowing I split the foundations of my own accord, fit pieces not meant for me in places I still hid, knowing, I always knew, I’d bring the whole thing down and start again, again, like I always did.

Going, keep going, I kept telling me, myself, and only I had the desire to be, more than I was showing myself, more than I deserved, or so I thought. I cried, while I tried, believing those tears as proof of my conviction, as if the suffering justified the ends, as if the faults caused by myself were mine to mend, and still I tried.

Afraid to sit alone beside myself and I, placed weights atop myself, and away I threw the notion of apologies, because why, why should I deserve to breathe, live, and move, atop a grave I built for myself, so that I can writhe and stay, sustained, kept alive by those that pity me, more than I love the one I call my own.

They are only mine, the parts that I despised, the parts I held high, a prize, the parts that were only mine in name, but never in creation. Amidst the tower of false beliefs I held together with words of my own volition, somewhere beneath the crumbled remains of what I tried to keep together, are still the pieces of me. Blurred now, are the remains of others that tried, but I cursed myself with the haunting intentions of the parts that created my own demise.

One by one, and piece by piece while mine tower crumbles, I collect the parts of me, I cherished and I once admonished, but now I’ve come to find are all the parts that I believed to be lost. One by one, and day by day I put myself together, jagged edges prove painful, but only because I broke and broke without repair, I preached but practiced nothing, content with tragedy, as I replaced progress. One by one. Piece by piece. I’ll try again. Until I remember all of me.

“Aversion.”

I desired so desperately to bask in the same warm radiance that others enjoyed so much.
I was sorely disappointed when I did.

I tire of these rhymes.
None do justice in your description.
As if you could be painted with my diction.
Your marble skin and jaded eyes
I’ve written a thousand times.
And still I can not define
Why I desperately wished you to be mine.
Again and again I draw you in my memories
Only to awake to harsh realities.
Teardrops that gently stain these sheets
Upon which we danced so silently.
I’ve since basked in sunlight’s rays.
Believing it to be better days.
Still, I can not help but be drawn to the night.
For within I have loved more truly, than in the light.

“Only You.”

I could’ve lost everyone else. That’s how many people I was willing to lose. I would’ve thrown them all away for you. But maybe that was the issue. Maybe I needed to be strong enough to keep everyone close to me. Maybe I needed to be enough to keep you, close to me.

There was nothing to regret.
Indulging in sweets and sweats.
A time too short, a life lived with you.
Foolishly assuming I could move to someone new.
Falling asleep beside new eyes.
Wishing you were by my side.
Crying to sleep upon new moons.
To you, a promise of a life too soon.
Sleepless nights spent skin-to-skin.
Memories of tears and grins.
A familiar language of lust and sin.
One that I became so fluent in.

“Locked.”

I wonder if you resent me.

Our positions reversed.
Tables have turned, our love is the worst.
Numb to the life we live alone.
Addicted to our deprived little home.
Stars and their shades engulf my sky.
The signal that begins a night of you and I.
Dressed in our formal midnight attire.
An outfit of lust, of carnal desire.
Our dance of shadows and skin.
Our song of temptation and sin.
The peaking lights of the morning sun.
A sleepless night ended, tomorrow has come.
Stuck within sheets, our finale delayed.
Breathless bodies, begging to stay.
To eternally rest, where we decided to lay.

“Desire.”

Shadows never forget the way they dance at night.

Lock me up and tie me down.
Throw away the suit and gown.
Color me in shades of you.
Molded into someone new.
Silhouettes that dance along the walls at night,
Chest to chest, but never too tight.
Lost within your lust
Beckoned forth with words of trust.
Show me what I am in your eyes.
Love me on your bed of lies.
Burn me down with guilty fires.
While I play along with your desires.

“Again.”

Years passed. I finally heard from you again. We spoke and for a moment, I regressed. I became stained with regret yet again. As if everything thus far was a crescendo, leading to the end of our sonata. The song of our miserable encounter. A doomed performance, played upon a moonlit stage by star-crossed lovers. Short-lived was our reunion. Our time together, even shorter. But both, I cherish.

Once, just once.
A chance encounter, a random event.
A coincidence, surely that’s the extent.
Of how I slowly fell, spiraling in love with you.
Color my life, paint my world.
Hand in hand, watch me unfurl.
I basked in light, so bright.
A warm embrace, the morning dew’s taste.
A life so perfect, day by day.
And just as easily taken away.
Selfish, I pretend I wanted more.
But, all I’ve ever wished for
Was a chance to fall in love with you again.

“Fifty-Six.”

For every word I put to pen
A thousand more remain unsaid
One, two, three, four
On and on, a thousand more

In every night, your jade green eyes
Shine so bright, enticing me with lies
A prison locked with a snow cold kiss
Remind me of the one I continue to miss
Keep me still, beside your heart
With winter nights, we start to part
Away, away, so far away
But locked am I, with words I can never say
Blinded by hope, and a promise to protect
Chains of jasper, clasped firmly around my neck
Not ready to let go, afraid of being alone
My still-white demon, where did you go?

“One and Two.”

Fell in love, but never together.
Promises broken by threads of “forever.”
Feelings for affection and attention ensue.
As he spoke in a cold voice.
“I’ll enjoy you for the time being too.”

Please just pretend.
That these feelings inside me
Will never, ever end.
Make me believe,
That you’ll always stay.
Tugging on your sleeve
Please don’t go away.
Falling apart, we’re torn at the seams
My heart became stained
While yours remained clean.
I took the blame
As we ran our separate ways.
Running to leave, it started to rain
Raindrops of salt, that washed away the stains.

“The taste you left.”

I wonder if you know
How bitter whiskey tastes
When you’re alone.

The smell of jack and coke makes me sick.
And yet I drink, even if I can’t stand it.
The bitter taste, and burning on my tongue.
Makes me wish for days now past
Days when life was still so young.
For years, and weeks, and days I wept.
Wondering if you knew
How bitter of a taste you left.

Sorry that I haven’t written anything in a while, my life has gotten pretty hectic. I’ll try to write a little more, and post on here as much as I can, but hopefully everyone is having a good day/night. Thank you all for your continued support.

“Fragile Tears.”

Funny, isn’t it?
How up until the end of the line, in almost anything
We realize, all that matters is how hard we worked to get where we are now.
And yet, in the end, we still somehow end up failing.
Still, we somehow manage to fall short of our goal.

A thousand drops of snow, but only two sets of feet.
Walking all around, hands close, like lovers in their sleep.
She drags me on by hand, eager to explore things she has yet to see.
I wonder if you ever knew, how much you meant to me.
Years passed, and affection turned to ash.
You and I, a story of the past.
A story never told, never meant to last.
A heart now shattered, dropped and broken like fragile glass.
A thousand nights, lost, to a single fear.
A broken heart, now mended across the years.
A lonely spirit, shouting, loud and clear.
My heart, for you, sheds no more fragile tears.