poetry – Bad Writer

“Speak.”

I wrote until letters became sounds, crumbling beneath the feet and buried in the ground, desired by the likes of me, I never found. I spoke, I wrote, I write, I tried desperately to fight, the agonizing urge to bury everything I thought I earned in silence. I tried, I tried, at least that’s what I tell myself. Knowing I split the foundations of my own accord, fit pieces not meant for me in places I still hid, knowing, I always knew, I’d bring the whole thing down and start again, again, like I always did.

Going, keep going, I kept telling me, myself, and only I had the desire to be, more than I was showing myself, more than I deserved, or so I thought. I cried, while I tried, believing those tears as proof of my conviction, as if the suffering justified the ends, as if the faults caused by myself were mine to mend, and still I tried.

Afraid to sit alone beside myself and I, placed weights atop myself, and away I threw the notion of apologies, because why, why should I deserve to breathe, live, and move, atop a grave I built for myself, so that I can writhe and stay, sustained, kept alive by those that pity me, more than I love the one I call my own.

They are only mine, the parts that I despised, the parts I held high, a prize, the parts that were only mine in name, but never in creation. Amidst the tower of false beliefs I held together with words of my own volition, somewhere beneath the crumbled remains of what I tried to keep together, are still the pieces of me. Blurred now, are the remains of others that tried, but I cursed myself with the haunting intentions of the parts that created my own demise.

One by one, and piece by piece while mine tower crumbles, I collect the parts of me, I cherished and I once admonished, but now I’ve come to find are all the parts that I believed to be lost. One by one, and day by day I put myself together, jagged edges prove painful, but only because I broke and broke without repair, I preached but practiced nothing, content with tragedy, as I replaced progress. One by one. Piece by piece. I’ll try again. Until I remember all of me.

“I Can’t Let Go Again.”

Intertwined with mine, the scent of you lingers on my skin. Yours or mine, I care not, intoxicated on our sins. Again, again, entranced, we danced to the music of our glass parade. A blurry recollection of our moonlit night, a soft infliction from affection’s flight, I mouth the words that only you can know. Falling unto stranger ears, they stand confused, while you and I hold back tears, born from years and years of nothing more than what will be. Words that spill from lips stained with ink of regret’s past, I long for times that last, no longer can I cast my line of optimism. Tired, so tired, I barely stand, again, again, again, again, I grow so mad. Step by step by step, one piece gained for two I lost. Ramblings of the husk of man, I barely stand, tired, so tired, step by step, again, again, I grab for what I can no longer keep close. Weak. I am weak.

“I’m Losing Myself.”

Entranced, I take my only steps to find myself intertwined with you. Wrapped in silk, engorged on lust, I can only do what I can. Don’t leave my fingers trailing on your skin, akin to sparks on tinder, I fall again. Lost, I trust in your delight, I lose myself for just one night, at least that’s what I keep on saying. On and on, you make me plead, more and more, you take the lead. Step by step, we love again, until we are no longer.

“Longing.”

Are you better without me?
Grasping at your thoughts within my sleep
Mixing drinks with memories
Sleep beside all the things we couldn’t be.
Again and again, mixing red and green
Wishing you could hear all of me.
Speaking words you had to see.
Alone again, I reach for you
Once again, becomes two
More and more, I never knew
How much better you’d be without me,
Then I am without you.

I’d give away everything to be with you again.

“Aversion.”

I desired so desperately to bask in the same warm radiance that others enjoyed so much.
I was sorely disappointed when I did.

I tire of these rhymes.
None do justice in your description.
As if you could be painted with my diction.
Your marble skin and jaded eyes
I’ve written a thousand times.
And still I can not define
Why I desperately wished you to be mine.
Again and again I draw you in my memories
Only to awake to harsh realities.
Teardrops that gently stain these sheets
Upon which we danced so silently.
I’ve since basked in sunlight’s rays.
Believing it to be better days.
Still, I can not help but be drawn to the night.
For within I have loved more truly, than in the light.

“Only You.”

I could’ve lost everyone else. That’s how many people I was willing to lose. I would’ve thrown them all away for you. But maybe that was the issue. Maybe I needed to be strong enough to keep everyone close to me. Maybe I needed to be enough to keep you, close to me.

There was nothing to regret.
Indulging in sweets and sweats.
A time too short, a life lived with you.
Foolishly assuming I could move to someone new.
Falling asleep beside new eyes.
Wishing you were by my side.
Crying to sleep upon new moons.
To you, a promise of a life too soon.
Sleepless nights spent skin-to-skin.
Memories of tears and grins.
A familiar language of lust and sin.
One that I became so fluent in.

“Locked.”

I wonder if you resent me.

Our positions reversed.
Tables have turned, our love is the worst.
Numb to the life we live alone.
Addicted to our deprived little home.
Stars and their shades engulf my sky.
The signal that begins a night of you and I.
Dressed in our formal midnight attire.
An outfit of lust, of carnal desire.
Our dance of shadows and skin.
Our song of temptation and sin.
The peaking lights of the morning sun.
A sleepless night ended, tomorrow has come.
Stuck within sheets, our finale delayed.
Breathless bodies, begging to stay.
To eternally rest, where we decided to lay.

“Desire.”

Shadows never forget the way they dance at night.

Lock me up and tie me down.
Throw away the suit and gown.
Color me in shades of you.
Molded into someone new.
Silhouettes that dance along the walls at night,
Chest to chest, but never too tight.
Lost within your lust
Beckoned forth with words of trust.
Show me what I am in your eyes.
Love me on your bed of lies.
Burn me down with guilty fires.
While I play along with your desires.

“Homecoming.”

Every day, I wake up realizing I’m older than the day before. The version of myself that exists tomorrow knows more than I do. The version of myself that wakes to the sun has already placed the night within the past. Despite finding solace within the past, I embrace the coming day. Blind to the comfort that I receive from the moon, I turn to face the coming dawn. When the day is done and the sun begins to set, once again, I find myself seeking respite within the night, only to begin a new day.

Hand in hand, we danced again.
And each new day, changed the way
I spoke and wrote, a brand new page
Filled with words of old, feelings new
How long have I lived my life based on you?
More and more, I seek the past
Feelings I once had, never did they last.
Fleeting as the night, sear me like the day
Begging you to leave, pleading that you’ll stay
Still I think of you.
Within each empty glass that stains my shelf
Is a life I lived with you, a different version of myself.
Never once did I regret, the moments that I spent beside your bed.
Or the times we laughed, the words we shared and said.
Infinite futures, created by words that I’ve drawn
This life I live, that I’ve decided upon
A life where you and I exist, but “we” are gone.

“Again.”

Years passed. I finally heard from you again. We spoke and for a moment, I regressed. I became stained with regret yet again. As if everything thus far was a crescendo, leading to the end of our sonata. The song of our miserable encounter. A doomed performance, played upon a moonlit stage by star-crossed lovers. Short-lived was our reunion. Our time together, even shorter. But both, I cherish.

Once, just once.
A chance encounter, a random event.
A coincidence, surely that’s the extent.
Of how I slowly fell, spiraling in love with you.
Color my life, paint my world.
Hand in hand, watch me unfurl.
I basked in light, so bright.
A warm embrace, the morning dew’s taste.
A life so perfect, day by day.
And just as easily taken away.
Selfish, I pretend I wanted more.
But, all I’ve ever wished for
Was a chance to fall in love with you again.