I wrote until letters became sounds, crumbling beneath the feet and buried in the ground, desired by the likes of me, I never found. I spoke, I wrote, I write, I tried desperately to fight, the agonizing urge to bury everything I thought I earned in silence. I tried, I tried, at least that’s what I tell myself. Knowing I split the foundations of my own accord, fit pieces not meant for me in places I still hid, knowing, I always knew, I’d bring the whole thing down and start again, again, like I always did.
Going, keep going, I kept telling me, myself, and only I had the desire to be, more than I was showing myself, more than I deserved, or so I thought. I cried, while I tried, believing those tears as proof of my conviction, as if the suffering justified the ends, as if the faults caused by myself were mine to mend, and still I tried.
Afraid to sit alone beside myself and I, placed weights atop myself, and away I threw the notion of apologies, because why, why should I deserve to breathe, live, and move, atop a grave I built for myself, so that I can writhe and stay, sustained, kept alive by those that pity me, more than I love the one I call my own.
They are only mine, the parts that I despised, the parts I held high, a prize, the parts that were only mine in name, but never in creation. Amidst the tower of false beliefs I held together with words of my own volition, somewhere beneath the crumbled remains of what I tried to keep together, are still the pieces of me. Blurred now, are the remains of others that tried, but I cursed myself with the haunting intentions of the parts that created my own demise.
One by one, and piece by piece while mine tower crumbles, I collect the parts of me, I cherished and I once admonished, but now I’ve come to find are all the parts that I believed to be lost. One by one, and day by day I put myself together, jagged edges prove painful, but only because I broke and broke without repair, I preached but practiced nothing, content with tragedy, as I replaced progress. One by one. Piece by piece. I’ll try again. Until I remember all of me.